An Update on a Wednesday

I'm sitting here on a random Wednesday thinking about this blog. I started reading a few old posts, and felt nostalgic for the days when this place was a beautiful outlet. I'm not sure why I stopped writing. These days I feel like I have nothing to say, nothing worth writing about. I don't know if it's the COVID haze that is making me feel so apathetic, or just the perspective that comes with getting older. I started this blog when I was just 22. A lot in my life has changed, most notably for this blog: a new outlook on food, fitness, and health. Perhaps I will just start typing and see where it takes me...

About 3-4 years ago I started seeing a registered dietician (RD) at Boston Medical Center. I had been down that path before, always with the goal of losing weight and keeping it off. As part of this program I was required to meet with both an RD and a doctor every few weeks who would take my vitals and suggest a course of action. On the first day of meeting with the doctor, without asking any questions about myself, history, or lifestyle, he suggested that I had two options: I get weight loss surgery or I immediately go an extremely strict fast for 3 months. He also recommended I start taking phentermine to suppress my appetite. Shocked, I said I'd think about it and let him know next time. I walked into the RD's office after my visit with the doctor with tears in my eyes. I explained to her how tired and frustrated I was of this never-ending cycle of yo-yo dieting, and that I was afraid of what the doctor recommended for me. She immediately told me to forget what the doctor said and that she was switching me to someone new. I felt relieved and grateful for her intervention.

Over the next nine months, I worked with the RD to adopt an intuitive eating mindset and learn about the Health at Every Size movement. It took a lot of patience (from her), some trial and error, and a drastic shift of mindset on my part. We read the book together, and confronted my 20 years of disordered eating together. I will never forget the day when I made a list of my "off limits" food and she told me I had to go to the store and buy them all. At the top of the list were Ruffles chips and cheese. That first day, I ate the chips and cheese in one sitting as soon as I got home. I sent her an e-mail, outraged, saying I told her I would eat it all in one sitting. She responded with, "okay, now go back to the store and buy more." She also told me to jot down how I felt after I ate them. I wrote: "guilty and stomach hurts." The second time around I ate the chips and cheese quickly, but over the course of 2-3 days. When they were gone, she told me to buy more. I kept doing this until eventually the chips and cheese remained in my house, uneaten for weeks. We did this over and over again with various foods until I reconditioned my body/mind into being around them. Foods that I spent my whole life fearing suddenly became meaningless. Chips are no big deal when you give yourself permission to eat them any time you want. 

I have been practicing intuitive eating and doing my best to live into the principles for the last three years. It's still a challenge to this day, and super easy to slip back into a diet mentality, especially when around/talking with others who have a dieting mindset. But this has all been honestly lifechanging for me. I no longer hate my body, and I accept that my body will change over time. I aim for body neutrality vs. body positivity. I trust myself around food of all kinds, I no longer see certain food as "good" or "bad". I understand that clothes are made to fit my body, not the other way around. Exercise is no longer something I have to do to make up for what I ate that day or week -- instead, when I'm exercising I focus on how it makes my body and spirit feel, with the ultimate goal of joyful movement. But like I said, it's not always easy and takes consistent practice to undue decades of self hate and messages instilled by diet culture. 

Speaking of joyful exercise, we recently bought a Peloton! I cancelled my gym membership at the start of the pandemic and have spent most of my days walking, doing the Fitness Marshall dance classes, or the Body Project workouts on YouTube. That being said, I was feeling ready for something new, but also not ready to re-enter the gym yet. After a lot of research and discussion with owners, I decided on the Peloton. I have been a consistent fan of spinning for about 15 years so figured it would be a long term investment. We've had the bike for about 1.5 months and I've completed 42 workouts (a mixture of cycling, stretching, strength, meditation, and yoga)! I have had so much fun exploring the different classes and trying new instructors. I also love the gamification in the technology. I also love that for the most part, the instructors don't use diet language to motivate you. It's been a great experience so far and I can't wait to keep trying out new classes.

So what else is new? About six months ago Jacob and I bought a house! It was a wild situation that worked out really well for us during this crazy housing market. I love our house and we have already made so many memories here. We are learning day by day what it means to be homeowners. Probably not surprising, but I enjoy yard work much more than work inside the house. We are still slowly decorating and buying the furniture we need, but we're getting there. We also have our wedding coming up in August! Planning has been very smooth -- I knew one day all these nonprofit event skills would come in handy. I feel very nervous about COVID but just hope in 8 month we are in a better situation and can have a full celebration. Either way, I can't wait to marry Jacob!

Work is still going well. I am coming up on my 6 year anniversary next May. So crazy! I am also still matched with my mentee. It has been tough to maintain our relationship through the pandemic. We weren't able to see each other for so long, and now she is 17 and not so interested in seeing me. As long as she knows I am there for her is all that matters, so I'll be content with our weekly texts. 

I can't believe 2021 is almost over. Where did this year go? In a few days we will be heading to New York for Christmas. It feels like we were just there for Thanksgiving, but I will always welcome more time with my family. 

I think this is all I have in me for tonight. Who knows, maybe a more consistent return to the blog is in my future? Or just a sporadic post here and there. No promises...

2020: A Year in Review

Happy 2021! What a year it's been. 2020 was definitely a strange and tough one that will go down in the history books. Of course I couldn't skip my recap even in this wild year...I've been doing them for a decade now!

2010
Missed 2011
2012
2013
2014
2015
2016
2017

2018

2019

Surprisingly, I achieved many of the goals I set last January....

Some of my 2020 goals:

- Buy art for the apartment - completed!

- Make 10 Half Baked Harvest recipes - completed!

- Read 30 books - completed!

- Pay $7K off of my student loans - completed!

- Find a new primary care doctor - completed!

- Watch all the Star Wars movies - completed!

- Plan/go on an overseas trip - obviously not

- Continue frequent dance workouts - completed!

2020 was not a good year for travel, but I has lots of time to cook, read, and watch movies. Ha.

 

Some of my favorite books of the year...

City of Girls by Elizabeth Gilbert

Born a Crime: Stories from a South African Childhood by Trevor Noah

A Woman is No Man by Etaf Rum

Dear Girls by Ali Wong

On Earth We're Briefly Gorgous by Ocean Vuong

Over the Top by Jonathan Van Ness

Big Summer by Jennifer Weiner

The Art of Showing Up by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

The Vanishing Halg by Brit Bennett

The Witches are Coming by Lindy West

TV shows...

The Queen's Gambit

Upload

Survivor (watched so many old seasons)

Schitt's Creek

The Good Place

The Mandalorian 

Better Call Saul

The Office (rewatch + Office Ladies podcast which is amazing)

Pen15

Upload

Emily in Paris

How to with John Wilson

Tiger King (can't deny it)

Cheer

Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat

Big Mouth

Never Have I Ever

Bridgerton

Movies...

Star Wars! I watched them all, finally!

Marvel movies! I watched them all! And loved them all, especially Guardians of the Galaxy

The Boys in the Band

Prom

My Octopus Teacher

Soul

Jingle Jangle

Joker

Knives Out

Athlete A

Amelie

High Fidelity

Blackkklansman

Onward

And now to remember the year through photos...

I started out the year with lots of work travel. First stop was Durham, NC! I never take a lot of photos on work trips, but here's one from the air...

And one at an art exhibit.

I n 2019 I joined Jacob's friends in playing an epic legacy game, Charterstone, where you build the game from scratch. In early 2020 we FINALLY finished and celebrated with some good beer.

Later that month Jacob's friend had us over for a home cooked Vietnamese feast! They made pho and spring rolls from scratch but of course I didn't take any photos. It was amaaaazing. Here we are relaxing in near food comas.

One of my goals was to make 10 Half Baked Harvest recipes. Here is the delicious Korean beef.

In late January it was time for my annual work conference in DC. I was incredibly sick this week and the illness ended up lasting through the end of March. Was it the flu? COVID? Something else? We may never know.

Jacob flew to DC at the end of the week and we had planned to spend the weekend with Rose and her boyfriend Kris, so I took a ton of cold medicine and sucked it up. We went to lots of great restaurants and bars (including one that had an indoor mini golf course!), saw the sights, and visited the botanical gardens and the Museum of Natural History. Overall we had an awesome time!

Early February marked the one year anniversary of my dad's passing. I spent the day watching home movies in his Allman Brother's sweatshirt. 

Then it was off to Houston for another work trip. I was soo sick still so sadly I could barely taste anything at this fantastic TexMex lunch.

By the time I got home the first case of COVID was found in Massachusetts. I went to the doctor but of course no one really knew anything about it at that time and testing didn't exist. Here I am incorrectly wearing a mask in the waiting room...no one even told me to put it over my nose!

Of course I got Jacob sick too, but that didn't stop us from doing a little celebrating on Valentine's day. He bought me these gorgeous flowers and we made dinner at home. We attempted pesto gnocchi from scratch with garlic bread and it went oh sooo wrong - but it's one of my funniest memories of the year.  

Later in the month we celebrated our friend Scott's birthday with a great Portuguese feast.

And then it was time for another work trip, this time to Milwaukee. It was a quick trip, but of course I had to get some fried cheese curds. Little did I know this would be my last work trip for a long time...

This sign was on the bathroom in our meeting space. I thought it was hysterical then and still do now.

As soon as I got back from Milwaukee, it was time for another trip -- this time for fun! Jacob's friend had been planning her 40th birthday for over a year -- a trip to California with the group, mostly to go to the French Laundry! I was so excited for this and looking back, am so happy we were able to do this trip before everything changed. Our first stop was Sacramento. One of our friend's parents live there so we stayed with them for a few days and explored the city. 

Next stop: Napa! Of course we did lots of wine and beer tasting.

In preparation for the French Laundry, we had dinner at Thomas Kellers' more affordable restaurant, Ad Hoc. Everything was delicious, especially the famous fried chicken

One of my favorite wineries we visited was Benziger Winery. The winery is farmed using only biodynamic methods, and you can't find any of the wines produced there in stores (you can find other Benziger wines of course). It was so cool to learn about and the winery itself was absolutely breathtaking.

Mid-week, it was time for the French Laundry! This was a lifelong dream of mine so I was so happy to be invited on this birthday trip. We had to get all dolled up...

The meal was incredible and so memorable. While it was definitely the most money I've ever spent on a meal, I don't think it was the best I ever had. The food was delicious and impeccable, but I did feel like it lacked a bit of creativity (particularly compared to our more recent dinner at O Paparico in Portugal). 

Towards the end of the trip we spent the last two days near San Francisco, in beautiful Mill Valley. We saw the Golden Gate bridge at Sunset, visited Muir Woods, and spent some time with Jacob's friend who lives in Oakland.

Upon returning from California I got a haircut. Normally not notable except this man wearing all white brought in his fluffy white dog, also wearing white shoes, and just sat down on the waiting couch for about 15 minutes until asked to leave. It was so strange I had to take a photo. This would also be my last haircut until December!!

In early March we drove to NY for some quality time with my family. Looking back, I can't believe we went out to dinner, went bowling, etc. Who would have guessed that just the following weekend the country would be closing up because of COVID....

And that ended the first few months of a normal year. I'll never forgot being at work on Thursday, March 12 and feeling scared of COVID for the first time. I took my laptop home with me not knowing I wouldn't be returning for the rest of the year. The next day, Jacob went panic shopping for us, including buying some beer for 1 vs. 1 beer pong. We were so naive back then, thinking this thing might last just a few weeks and would actually be fun...

And so began the pandemic cooking/baking. First up was these cinnamon popovers.

And the first Massachusetts lock down alert from March 15.

Those first few weeks of the pandemic were really tough. I had a terrible lingering cough and like many people, my anxiety was at an all time high. I made these daily "wellness" lists to get myself through the days and started tapping meditation which helped me so much. Also helped: "no COVID articles". The onslaught of news and information was unbelievable during this time. I would spend hours and hours doomscrolling until I finally put some boundaries up.

I will say I have really enjoyed working from home this year. I like my little work setup and LOVE the extra time I have not spent commuting. I have developed an awesome morning routine where I wake up without an alarm, read the NY Times morning briefing, do the mini crossword, and the Atlantic's crossword. Most days I take a 30-45 minute walk in the morning too.

Like I said we've done lots of cooking this year, especially during March and April.

And of course there has been so much time spent on Zoom with friends and family.

Other things that kept me sane: puzzles, being silly with Jacob, and the Fitness Marshall dance workouts.

And finally, spring sprung. The warmer weather and flowers seemed like a hopeful sign that things would one day be better again. At least my daily walks became more beautiful.

We received lots of Easter treats from friends and family.

And took advantage of down time to watch gorgeous sunsets.

And continued to experiment in the kitchen!

Remote working continued as we approached summer. With the announcement of schools remaining remote for the rest of the year, I started up a virtual reading group for my coworker's kids. It was a nice break from the day to get to spend some virtual time with their cute kiddos, and I think my colleagues appreciated it too!

And knowing working from home seemed here to stay, I officially leaned into my new work from home outfits: sweatpants and slippers!

Our walks continued through May and June, and we took advantage of the nice weather to explore new and different spots.

Warmer weather = grilling time!

I attempted to grow some herbs.

The first of many lobster feasts!

Cute little peaches warming in the sun.

Failed attempt at 3-ingredient bagels.

Spring = new life, like this tiny baby bunny!

And suddenly it was my 32nd birthday. Everyone made it special with some great food (including the yearly tradition of a lobster roll), a small gathering in our backyard (the first time we had seen our friends in months), and a zoom call with family. I splurged and ordered myself a birthday gift of 100 Island Creek oysters!

June was a tough month. The horrific murders of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, and countless others spurred a cultural reckoning of racial injustice in the US.  I have done a lot of self reflection and learning this year and am committed to continuing to integrate anti-racism into the fabric of my being and supporting BIPOC however I can. 

At the same time, it felt like the pandemic was never ending. I made it through this month with some gardening, volunteering with Grassroots Law, more time in the kitchen, and supporting my favorite local businesses. 

As we started July, COVID cases were finally low enough and the weather was nice enough to make some outdoor plans with friends. We visited Cara and Al in Dartmouth and went to a small 4th of July BBQ with friends in Gloucester.

I filled my days with my normal summer staples: flowers and watermelon! I also continued to explore in the kitchen, took lots of walks and hikes, and a visit to the zoo.

At some point Jacob got a much needed haircut!

And we celebrated him getting a new job! So proud of him!

We had a birthday BBQ for a friend...

A few glorious pool days...

And saw Jacob's family after many many months apart.

With cases so low in the summer, we felt comfortable going on a few carefully planned trips. First up, camping with a couple of friends! We rented a beautiful campsite in Connecticut near a lake and it was so wonderful to spend extended time with people and get out of Boston for the first time in months. One of my favorite parts of the camping trip was playing disc golf. it was so fun and I was surprisingly decent!

We also took a weekend trip to New Hampshire with some friends for hiking and tubing. After so much time with just the two of us, me and Jacob absolutely loved this time with other people!

At the end of August we "splurged" and rented a small cottage on Cape Cod for a whole week! I seriously needed some extended time off from work and the whole week was absolutely wonderful. We spent lots of time relaxing at the beach/lake and watched tons of movies.

We event went to a brewery/restaurant and ate outdoors for the first time since March!!

We also had a few friends come visit us towards the end of the week to celebrate Jacob's birthday.

A couple of weeks later, we visited my family in New York over labor day weekend. This was definitely the longest I'd gone without seeing my family and it was SO wonderful to see them. 

We also spent a few hours outside with my high school friends, which was soul filling!

And just like that, summer was ending and fall was approaching. 

We celebrated Andy's birthday with a small backyard game day.

And spent a super fun weekend in Pennsylvania with some friends. We mostly stayed in the house, but took a few trips outside to go apple picking and get apple cider donuts.

Since we didn't want to go out to restaurants, we all cooked 1-2 meals. Our friend Steve made this amazing "steakhouse sushi" appetizer. So creative!

Election season was upon us and so I really kicked up the self care with baths, more cooking, and more walks.

May we never forget the fly on Mike Pence's head...

A few friends from college came to visit in October and we had a lovely big family dinner together. I also got to meet Maja's baby Sebastian! <3

On October 30 we had a snowstorm! 

And the next morning Jacob took me on a hike that would change my life :)

We had planned a weekend away with friends in mid-November and all got COVID tested/isolated beforehand. Jacob and I got tested in East Boston and were treated to this gorgeous view.

To celebrate our engagement Jacob and I tacked on an extra few days to our weekend in Provincetown. This was hands down one of the best weekends of the year! We stayed in an incredible house on the water that had everything you could want -- a sauna, a hot tub, pool table, and tons of space. We had so much fun just being together and feeling relatively "safe" for the first time all year. We even got to have our annual Friendsgiving meal!

By the end of November COVID cases were rising rapidly again. Still, we made the difficult decision to go to NY for Thanksgiving. I am so glad we went and spent a full week with my family, but it was definitely a bit stress inducing. While we were there we wrote postcards to Georgia voters, ate lots of delicious food, and just enjoyed the downtime with my family.

And then it was December! We put up our Christmas tree and decorated for the holidays.

I finally got a haircut, my first since March.

And with nothing else to do, we spent LOTS of cozy time on the couch. I watched a ton of Xmas movies, including Jingle Jangle which I thought was amazing!

December was filled with more experimenting in the kitchen.

And time outside on the nice days.

Me and Jacob decided to stay home for Christmas and enjoy the holiday with just the two of us.

I wanted to maintain my annual Christmas Eve traditions so we made calzones...

And had the feast of the seven fishes! We started with crab cakes, baked clams, and smoke salmon appetizers.

Then we had lobster bisque and Cesear salad with anchovies.

And pappardelle with mussels and scallops! We were sooo full by this point we didn't finish eating until 11pm.

We opened gifts!

I got Jacob this sake tasting gift, which I'm getting to enjoy too :)

On Christmas day we continued feasting with a big brunch.

And a charcuterie board.

We opened up one of our new games and spent the rest of the night playing and watching Christmas movies. It was wonderful!

We spent the last few days of the year enjoying time off of work and checking out Christmas lights around town.

We rung in the new year with good food and smiles and not even one photo!

Looking back, 2020 doesn't seem as lonely as it sometimes felt. If I learned any lesson this year, it's that people matter more than anything and time is not guaranteed. I know 2021 will be a better year for our world and can't wait to see what it has in store.