Body Acceptance

If you're like me and your brain lives constantly in the world of weight loss and fitness, you know there's a big "body acceptance" movement going on. Between "plus size" Sports Illustrated swimsuit models and viral 30 second transformation photos, it seems everyone is telling women it's time to accept our bodies as they are.

I'm going to Puerto Rico tomorrow - yay!! It will be my first true beach trip in many years (I'm not counting Liz's bachelorette party in Miami). In the past, one of the biggest reasons I opted out of beach trips was because of my body. The idea of frolicking around in a bathing suit next to my thin friends for a week just wasn't appealing to me. I didn't want to have to sit out of photos in front of the ocean so my body wouldn't be posted on Facebook for everyone to see. I didn't want to worry about anyone looking at me on the beach thinking I should cover up.

This time, when my roommate suggested a trip to Puerto Rico I just said yes. I'm trying to be bolder and braver this year, so this was a little step in that direction. The other day I was in Marshall's and decided to try on a few bathing suits. I took a couple of one pieces and a pretty purple bikini into the dressing room. To my surprise, I didn't hate how I looked in the bikini. Actually, I was pretty happy. I know my body isn't near perfect, but I work really hard for the body I have. Why shouldn't I wear a bikini? And really, who even cares about this?

I ended up buying the bikini and added to the collection of one pieces I was packing for Puerto Rico. Then today, I went to Target to get some more things for my trip. There were some super cute dresses on sale so I tried a few on. And wouldn't you know it -- I absolutely HATED how I looked in the mirror, in every single dress I tried on. I found my thoughts wandering to a really dark place. I was saying the most horrible things to myself -- things I would never say to anyone but myself. Immediately I started thinking about that bikini. What was I thinking? I can't possibly wear a bikini the way my body looks now.

I left Target without buying anything new and thought a lot about this drastic change of heart on the way home. I've struggled with these significant body image issues for as long as I remember. Every time I feel like I've made some progress I take 10 steps backwards. Why can't I just accept my body for how it is? Will I ever just feel satisfied with how I look, or will I perpetually be striving toward some impossible end point?

I'm still insanely excited to go to Puerto Rico tomorrow and still plan to bring that bikini. Not sure if I'll wear it, but we'll see. I haven't written a post like this in a while. Feels a bit strange to press publish, but here goes anyway...