Post Turkey Day

I'm not sure Thanksgiving was quite the holiDAY I was looking for. It definitely wasn't the usual eat-whatever-I-want-until-January-1st type of thing, but it certainly wasn't just one meal. I arrived home on Tuesday night to a kitchen full of goodies. Coming home from college is always a big overwhelming surprise when it comes to food. It's EVERYWHERE! I did pretty well on Wednesday, Thursday started out great with a 5k turkey trot (new traditions what what!) and then led to me literally feasting for the rest of the day/night. The rest of the weekend wasn't too bad, and I avoided the scale yesterday morning so I didn't have to see the damage. I made myself a little deal that if I didn't get 100% back on track immediately, I was going to weigh in that night. Luckily, I comfortably settled back into my routine with a smile. I ran 5 miles last night and headed over to Whole Foods right after to stock up for the week. I really do feel happy to be back in routine-mode.

This week at home was pretty emotional, and the exaggerated emotions must have packed themselves up in my suitcase to join me in Boston. Last night I made myself a little pizza for dinner, and when I accidentally dropped it face down on the dirty floor I actually started crying - yes, real pizza-induced tears. Luckily my roommate was fast acting and scraped the pizza off the floor while demanding that I just make a new one. I eventually sat happily on the futon eating my pizza and some delicious marinated mushrooms out of my new pretty blue bowl. Ah, the little things.

I had a rough week back in New York and my mind is once again consumed with thoughts of Jonas. An accidental run-in (I think I 'law-of-attracted that happening...) combined with the fact that Jonas lives 30 seconds from my house and the perpetual reminders of what our relationship used to be made for a one seriously melancholy girl. It's very hard for me to not associate home with Jonas. Over the past 5 years I've been back and forth between New York and Boston - my friends and family were always busy with their lives and jobs, so most of my time was spent with Jonas (who never had a job, what a catch). It was a huge adjustment to be at home without him but I'm relieved to know that this weekend was the first step and the worst it will ever be. I hope that I will begin to naturally associate home with my amazing family and wonderful friends - I really look forward to a day when I can be 100% happy to be going home. I'll be back in NY in just over 3 weeks, I can already feel the anxiety boiling...

In the meantime, I have to remember that I have a lot to look forward to both in the short and long term! Just to make myself smile, here is my after-work schedule for the week :)

Tonight: getting together with my bffs for a fundraiser followed by zumba! a week off has made me seriously miss my favorite pastime
Wednesday: Top Chef All Stars!!
Thursday: more zumba :)
Friday: no work! and senior's cocktail party
Saturday: annual big college party - not really my scene but something funny happens every year
Sunday: HARRY POTTER

What do you think I'm the most excited for...?

Thanksgiving Woes

Everywhere I look there is another article/blog post with insight on how to survive the holidays. For some reason I just feel uncomfortable with the words "holiday" and "survive" in the same sentence. Since when did holidays become something we need to survive?! Let's turn to dictionary.com:

hol·i·day

–noun

1. a day fixed by law or custom on which ordinary business is suspended in commemoration of some event or in honor of some person.

2. any day of exemption from work (distinguished from working day).

3. a time or period of exemption from any requirement, duty, assessment, etc.: New businesses may be granted a one-year tax holiday.

4. a religious feast day; holy day, esp. any of several usually commemorative holy days observed in Judaism.

5. Sometimes, holidays. Chiefly British . a period of cessation from work or one of recreation; vacation.

I don't see anything in there that looks like it needs to be survived. Maybe if we didn't hype holidays up so much it just wouldn't be that big of a deal. Holidays should be treated for what they are - celebrations (whether it be political, religious, personal etc.) with family and friends where you happen to get the day off from work. So there is more food involved. Who cares? My goal this year is to treat these holidays for what they are meant to be - not an excuse to eat whatever I want through November and December. On Thursday I'm going to get up at 8 and run a 5k (and get a PR I hope!!), then come home and cook with my sisters. I'll eat more than usual for dinner and dessert, go to sleep early, then wake up in the morning and it will be November 26 - an ordinary day. I've learned from the past few years that when I treat holidays like they are something more than they are, my mind goes into panic mode. I end up spending the entire holiday season like I'm never going to eat again. This year, Thanksgiving will be a holiDAY, not a holimonth!

As you can see in the title, woes is plural. There are other things on my mind with the upcoming holiday. The last time I was home was June 30th. That's almost a good 5 months away. The sole reason for my New York avoidance was Jonas. I'm petrified that I'm going to run into him while I'm home. I know I'm not in a place yet where I can talk to him, and I'm afraid that surprise run-in will only set me back. Avoiding Jonas might seem like an easy task, but I live in a very small town. We have the same friends, our houses are 1 minute away from each other (no joke), and we share the same favorite pizza, bagel, and deli spots. While I doubt that Jonas will be actively seeking me out, if he wants to he'll know where to find me. I'm going to attack this fear like I do with any of my other goals: make a plan. I'm going to spend as much time with family as possible, lay off the alcohol (run-ins with an ex + alcohol = bad news), and try to avoid those common spots where he might be. It's only a couple of days and I know if I stick to this plan I'll be fine. I hope to update this blog while I'm at home, but if not I plan on coming back with a post filled with food, love, and fitness success!

Ode to Cooking

Today I realized something...actually last night (today just sounds better). As I put together a feta, spinach and turkey burger topped with salsa and stuck between two toasted pieces of whole wheat bread I started to think, cooking is becoming my passion. I'm definitely not there yet, but I know that once I have my own place, own things etc. I will embrace cooking wholeheartedly.

The start of this love affair with cooking unfortunately began with the end of another. I've always loved food. I loved going out to eat, eating with family or friends or boyfriends, writing about restaurants, being in a restaurant environment, but cooking was just never something I could get that hang of. When things with Jonas ended last June, everyone kept telling me I had to find ways to spend my time on my own; I had to find a new passion. "But I've been living on my own in Boston for four years!" I whined and whined. The truth is, I didn't even know myself. Every single choice I made involved Jonas, whether it was as small as not buying that one last wooden bowl in South Africa so we could get bagels together as soon as I got home, or as large as missing out on New Years Eve in NYC with my friends so I could spend it with him at home. Most of my spare time was spent talking to him or thinking about him; even though technically we were away from each other, we never really were.

When I moved back to Boston this summer I was a complete mess. My mind would only be occupied with thoughts of him, and I'm talking 24/7. And that's where cooking came in. In the midst of my boredom and depression with my sudden massive amounts of free time, I slowly started to experiment...making my own pizzas, trying avocados and baking homemade french fries, and eventually coming up with my own sauces and soups. It turns out that cooking was the ONLY thing that could occupy my mind fully. It was my only escape and I have willingly thrown myself over to it. The other night I made a beautiful beef broth based soup with onions, cabbage, tomatoes, dark greens, garlic, elbow noodles, cannelloni and kidney beans and a variety of fun herbs and spices. I stood over my stove looking at my creation with a genuine smile, taking in the scents and heat of the stove.

I love watching whole ingredients transform into something new and beautiful. I love my spice rack...I love gently banging the tubes of spices to see them sprinkle into a pot. I love the smells, I love the calculations, I love the measuring, I love the creativity. When I cook I am in my own world, concentrating solely on the food. Every meal is a small reward and I can feel myself healing with each attempt at creating something new, healthy and homemade.

I'm still a bit of a mess, but at least I have something else to lean on. So here is my bit of thanks to cooking, recipes, and all things food :)

The Weekend Goals

So on Friday I wrote down a few goals for the weekend. Let's see how I did shall we?

1. Drink socially when out (for me this means 1-2 drinks)
- Success! On Friday I went out EARLY and drank 2 michelob ultras and lots of water throughout the night. It felt great to wake up on Saturday ready for a day in Cambridge. Saturday night I drank 3 drinks in total and was very happy with that.
2. Eat during the weekend the way I eat during the week
- Eh, fairly successful. I always eat out more on the weekends - in fact I very very rarely eat out during the week. I had two meals out - 1 in which I made bad choices and 1 in which I made some good and bad choices. The other meals I ate during the weekend were definitely on track and I'm proud of myself for slowly getting back into mindset.
3. Do some form of exercise, even if it’s not hardcore cardio
- I did exercise somewhat, but my workout plan on Sunday had to be modified because of things outside of my control. Tonight I'm back to personal training and my foot is almost feeling better. It's taking too long and I hope I don't push it too hard tonight.
4. Watch a few episodes of Lost :)
- Definitely did this! Only 6 more episodes and then I'm done with the series :(
5. Sleep late!
- I slept in pretty late on both Saturday and Sunday, but the noisy heater in my apartment woke me up numerous times throughout the night. Someone should have came this afternoon to check it out so once that is fixed my sleeping schedule will be much better!
6. Cook something new and healthy
- I didn't do too much cooking this weekend, so while I did cook healthy things, nothing new to share.

I think I did fairly well with my goals this weekend and writing them down REALLY helped. I'm happy it's Monday and I feel great today. I feel strong and healthier and ready to get back into the gym! I'm going home for Thanksgiving in just over a week and need to start coming up with a plan while I'm home. My house is always full of unhealthy food and since we host Thanksgiving there will be leftovers for days. I'm looking to sign up for a Turkey Trot Thanksgiving morning but don't really feel like spending the $25/$30 on one. I'll just have to make my own Thanksgiving race ;)

Reevaluating

Happy Friday! Today is inspired by Lindsay’s post on priorities. I was thinking last night that I’ve been getting a little sidetracked lately in a few of the most important aspects of my current life. I just haven’t been feeling good recently and I think I need to reevaluate my priorities:

“Me time” – when I first got back to Boston I was so intent on doing anything I wanted, whenever I wanted. I could do whatever I wanted with that time and the only rule was that I wasn’t allowed to feel guilty about it. I think this is what really pulled me through the post-Jonas depression I was in, and I need to get back to making me (and my happiness) the #1 priority.

Getting healthy – this mostly has to do with my food intake which has been seriously upped in the past few weeks. I need to get back in control when I go out to restaurants or am around people who are eating badly when I’m out.

Running/Exercise – this is most definitely still a priority! I am itching to get back into my normal exercise routine. I’m slightly nervous about my foot because it’s just not getting better. I’ve been reading that it’s actually pretty easy to break the bones in your foot…what?! I think that if this is not feeling better by the time the weekend’s over I may need to suck it up and go to a doctor for some x-rays.

Finding a job/post-college plans – this is not a top top priority right now, but will be soon. It’s something that I’ve definitely been letting slide further down the ladder of importance, when it should really be going in the opposite direction.

Watching Lost - Haha. Yes, for real.

Cooking new healthy recipes – this was another one of the things that helped me through the broken heart. Planning a delicious healthy meal, buying the ingredients, then spending the time to cook it and put love into it was really the highlight of many of my nights the past few months. I haven’t been cooking too many meals (healthy or not) lately and I want to get back into it.

Sleep – Self explanatory. I need to sleep more. Period.

Enjoying senior year of college – this is a tough one, because “enjoying” in college often translates to “go out, get drunk, stay out late, eat crappy food, don’t sleep, and repeat”. I had lain off the drinking for a few months, but recently have gotten sucked back in to not only the drinking, but the drunk eating as well. I’m going to try to have a weekend without drinking and keep in mind how great it felt to not wake up with a hangover.

So I think it’s only appropriate to follow up with some weekend goals:

1. Drink socially when out (for me this means 1-2 drinks)
2. Eat during the weekend the way I eat during the week
3. Do some form of exercise, even if it’s not hardcore cardio
4. Watch a few episodes of Lost :)
5. Sleep late!
6. Cook something new and healthy

I hope that writing these priorities/goals down here will really help me stick with them. Have a great weekend!

Sweating the Small Stuff

A giant rugby player stepped on my foot Saturday night. I haven’t been able to put sneakers on since, which means very limited workouts for this girl. I cannot believe how frustrated I was last night. I had scheduled a personal training appointment to be followed by my favorite activity, zumba, and because of this ridiculous foot I had to cancel both. I bitched to my roommate and stomped my (not bruised) foot as I reluctantly clicked the “cancel appointment” button on my laptop. I wound up doing some measly push-ups and sit-ups before heading back into bed with a pout.

I wish I could have taken this small frustration and dusted that dirt off my shoulder with an easy “oh well”. After all, this is just a swollen bruise, it should be gone by Friday! Instead, my thoughts started spiraling out of control. It started small with a “great, now I won’t be able to run as far as I did last Friday because I’m taking a few days off”, to “when did I start to care so much about running?” and then to “uh oh, I think I’m addicted to exercise.” Taking 3 days off of exercise felt like a lifetime, and I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing. What’s going to happen to me if I get a real injury, not just some measly bruise?

It seems in all my moments of frustration, anger or negativity my thoughts always head back to Jonas. I suddenly started thinking, “Screw Jonas! It’s his fault that I’m obsessed with exercise. If he never ended things I wouldn't have had to find something else to obsess over. If he still loved me I wouldn’t have to work out as much and then none of this would matter!” In my stronger state (like right now) I want to tell the panicky and frustrated Julie of last night to shut the f up and enjoy the live episode of The Biggest Loser. This situation has nothing to do with Jonas, it has to do with the fact that the captain of our rugby team got drunk, got in a fight, and my little left foot got in the way. It scares me that while I have come a long way in this post-breakup time, my emotions run wild when even the tiniest thing goes wrong. My foot gets stepped on and in my mind, everything around me starts to fall apart.

It took some stepping back last night to realize that this is not a big deal. I'll be back to my normal schedule in a few days, and in the meantime should enjoy some extra R&R. I really need to stop sweating the small stuff.

Betty Crocker Clinic

The above title refers to a hilarious episode of Sex and the City in which in a moment of weakness, Miranda calls up Carrie and exclaims: “Your good friend has just taken a piece of cake out of the garbage and eaten it. You will probably need this information when you check me into the Betty Crocker Clinic.” After hanging up, Miranda then proceeds to dump dish soap all over the trash-ridden chocolate cake.

What we women do to stop ourselves from eating.

I’ve had my share of strategies to stop myself from eating that “one last” chip, or french fry or cookie. When I used to hit up my university’s dining hall my friends and I would pour soda on our food to make us stop eating it, I’ve covered my leftovers with threatening post-its, and I’ve taped that wonderful phrase “nothing tastes as good as being thin feels” to my fridge, to my door, and to my mirror. And by the way, to whoever first uttered that phrase, I beg to differ.

The topic of these “stop eating strategies” was touched upon in the notorious and controversial Marie Claire article (The Hunger Diaries). While I think the author of the article gave an extremely biased, poorly researched, and unprofessional view of the 6 bloggers (especially Caitlin Boyle, whose Operation Beautiful is incredibly inspiring), I have to agree that food sabotage simply is just not healthy. There is clearly something bigger going on when it takes threatening messages or literal spoiling of food to stop eating. I already admitted that I was an avid food spoiler myself, but I’ve recognized that there has to be other alternatives. For me, it was trying to create a healthy relationship with food, one in which I did not want or need to ruin what I was eating. I had to convince myself that I am lucky enough to have food every day, and that I don’t need to stuff myself with as much food as possible because it will be there tomorrow.

These days I find myself cringing as I watch my friend buy a $5 pastry, take 2 bites, and then throw it away. Her explanation is simple: if she doesn’t throw it away, she won’t stop eating it. Does anyone else see a problem with this?! There are poor and starving people all over the world! I have a feeling that my healthy-food-relationship-epiphany was sparked from the 5 months I spent in South Africa; I couldn’t believe that I used to buy expensive food, then waste it because I just “couldn’t stop eating”. It was time to get a grip. I think that people who rely on food sabotage as their #1 weight loss/management tool need to take a real look at themselves and what they’re doing. For anyone who wants to create a healthy relationship with food and more importantly, themselves, the pathway is not through spoiling, destroying, or threatening.