Self Sabotage

This morning as I listened to an old Two Fit Chicks and a Microphone podcast on my commute to work, I got to thinking about self sabotage. It seems that in my own life I have been sabotaging my weight loss efforts for years, both consciously and subconsciously.

Two weeks ago I hit a major milestone weight wise. After a two pound loss I was down to a lower number than I’ve been at since freshman year of college. That was October 2006 – over four years ago. I remember feeling ecstatic and excitedly wrote on my private blog that for the first time in a long time, there was nothing stopping me. I wrote about how I had never felt so hopeful and was positive that I was going to succeed. Somehow, between then and now I’ve gained those two pounds back. Now, I’m no longer a slave to the scale as I once was (weighing myself multiple times a day etc. etc.), but I can’t help but think something besides my weight is up. How, in my extreme pride and excitement, did I manage to veer off track?

Looking back at my food log, it’s pretty obvious. My weekends have consisted of quite a few more drinks than normal, I gave in to drunk munchies on Friday night, and consumed more French fries and pizza in the past two weeks than I have in about 6 months. My exercise for the past few weeks has been pretty on track – in fact, I actually ran farther on Friday (7 miles!) than I ever have in my life. So why is it that instead of using my progression in fitness to further my weight loss, I chose to order Dominoes at 3 AM? I never thought about self sabotage before this morning, but I truly believe that is what’s going on with me – on a subconscious level at least.

I remember being in high school and thinking lots of “Once I _________, I will be happy” thoughts. That blank space was always changing – it could be “lose weight”, “get a boyfriend”, “get out of this town”, “go to college” and so on. I was always waiting for something. Once I got to college those thoughts continued and the blank space was adjusted, but the desire to lose weight was consistent. I always felt that once I lost weight, I would be happy; everything would suddenly make sense and have a purpose. This thought was exciting and always lingered in the back of my mind, but I wasn’t ready to lose weight yet. I knew that no matter how many attempts I made, the weight was not going to come off permanently. Now that I’m at a point where I know my weight loss will be long term, these thoughts are beginning to scare me. What if I lose the weight and I’m not happy? Perhaps my recent regain was a subconscious attempt to sabotage my success in order to avoid finding out the answer to that question.

But I think I already know it. If tomorrow I woke up and was miraculously at my goal weight, the happiness would be fleeting. The truth is, weight loss in itself is not going to make me happy. Through my horrendous breakup, I’ve realized that I have always relied on another person for my happiness. The reason I felt so stripped after Jonas decided this was really over was simply because I had put so much of myself into him. When the relationship was taken away from me I not only lost the man who had been my best friend for 8 years, I lost my self-worth and hopes for my future. I have a lot of work to do, and I am pushing every day to change my view on my life. I hope that the changes I’m making when it comes to food, love, and fitness will not only bring weight loss, but will bring me true happiness. Weight loss in itself is not the answer, just like “getting out of this town” or “getting a boyfriend” wasn’t.

Today I made the choice to stop sabotaging my efforts. I have nothing to be afraid of.