OkStupid

Any girl woman* who has put herself on an online dating site has likely experienced the flood of...entertaining...messages from all sorts of men. And luckily for you, I'm going to share some of the best of the worst right here! I've found that most messages fall into at least one of the following categories:

1. The Generic (AKA Clearly Didn't Read My Profile)

"Hiiii lol"

This is probably the most common message I get. They range from "hey", "hi" "how are you," etc. to "want to chat?" and even "can I send you a message?" Unless you're Ewan McGregor I am never going to respond to these. And is the "lol" really necessary here? I've noticed that "lol" is like a nervous tic to guys when it comes to messaging/texting. What's that about?

"So you know at a bar or in a movie when a normal guy takes a shot of confidence then walks over to the smart and cute girl and tries to talk to her even though he is freaking out? I have never seen it happen but I am guessing this is sort of the equivalent. Granted there is much less pride and humility at stake, but still."

This one might seem like it took some thought, but I'm 99% sure this gets copied and pasted to numerous women at once. It might sound harsh, and this guy DID use correct spelling and grammar, but if you don't reference something from my profile, you're just not getting an answer unless you're really attractive...or have a puppy.

2. The Over Aggressive

I'll preface this one by saying I don't use the chat option because I'm a brat and don't want to be available at a moment's notice. When I first activated my profile I didn't realize I was signed onto chat and got IMed by someone random. I quickly signed off and then got this message:

"Hey, where did you go???? Send me a message so we can talk or meet up tonight: 617 xxx xxxx."

Four question marks and your phone number? Yikes. At least I have someone to prank now. PS, anyone remember Crank Yankers?!

3. The Demanding

"tell me a unique aspect of your personality or life."

No hello? And I thought my profile was full of unique aspects of my personality or life! I don't know why this guy is making demands at me. The LEAST you could do is phrase your weird message as a question.

"If 10 + 2 is not 12
and 10 + 20 is not 40
how can 10 + 20 + 40 be 11?"

Again no hello here. Is this a test? Does my profile portray me as the type who'd enjoy a logic puzzle as a pickup line (the answer is yes). Unfortunately I could not figure this out and I'm too embarrassed to let the guy know. Bummer. If anyone knows the answer, please leave it in the comments!!

4. The Ego Boosting

"Bonjour
I think that you have beautiful eyes and a pretty smile as well.
Ciao"

Why thank you! And apparently you are trilingual! How is one supposed to respond to these messages?

"Ok, so you happen to be pretty damn attractive (and NO I don't start all my messages that way)."

If you have to say it, it probably isn't true. I purposely made many of my photos at a time when I'm not looking my best (like after a race, hiking etc.) in order to avoid these fools. Nice try, Julie.

5. The Insulting

"you seem ok but fuck the yankees!"

I read this message and was staring at my laptop with a serious Boxer head tilt.

Did I mention the Yankees in my profile? Ohhh, just that I'm from New York...great. And thanks for writing to tell me that I "seem okay". You seem like an ass hole!

6. The Ridiculous

"Hey! I was thinking of robbing a bank, fleeing to the ocean, and faking my own death. Scubba tanks in the trunk. Are you in? 

p.s. you should probably bring sandwiches or something, but NO egg salad because it smells like farts"

Is this real life? I don't even know how to comment on this one. At least this guy gets points for being unique??

7. The Dangerous

"Hi driving home now. U feel like chatting tonight on here? I'll be around so ya"

First of all, I don't know you. Second, you're simultaneously driving and sending me messages?? Haven't you seen this Volkswagon ad?? Third, when you say, "so ya" I imagine your voice sounding like Sara (please watch this video...Gary makes me want to cry).

8. The Creepy

One morning I woke up to these two messages from the middle of the night:

First one: "yea it was sketchy"

Second one: "He was wicked cool and then him near the river all white and shit and it is a traumatizing thing to see"

WHAT THE F*CK IS THIS?? I showed this to my friend and we decided I had to answer. Who knows, I could be the key to a murder case (too many Serial podcasts for me). So I replied with, "Is someone dead??" No answer...

9. The Promising

And then, every once in a while, there's someone who actually sounds intriguing, spells everything correctly, references my profile, and doesn't say anything too creepy or weird! Those I will keep to myself. For now!

*While at home I was reprimanded by one of my friends for calling myself a "girl". I am apparently a WOMAN and should refer to myself as so. Ugh.

The Sexiest Man Alive

Chris Hemsworth was recently chosen as People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. Hmm...I'll take his brother (AKA Gale Hawthorne!) over him any day.

Personally, I think he looks like a Hanson brother with better highlights in his cover photo.

Anyway, I started doing some reading about the contest and discovered some interesting facts:

- The first Sexiest Man winner was Mel Gibson in 1985.

- Since then there have been 29 sexiest men, including 4 repeats (George Clooney, Richard Gere, Brad Pitt, and Johnny Depp).

- There has been only one non-white Sexiest Man: Denzel Washington in 1996.

- In 1993 People changed the title to "Sexiest Couple" and the award went to Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford. WTF?

- There was no Sexiest Man chosen in 1994. It should have been given to Tom Hanks purely for his amazing performance in Forrest Gump. Who needs all those Academy Awards!?

- The oldest Sexiest Man was 59 (Sean Connery in '89). Youngest was 27 (John F. Kennedy Jr. in '88).

- Speaking of JFK Jr., he was the ONLY Sexiest Man who was not in the entertainment industry. In fact, he is also the only non-actor (unless you count Adam Levine, who is mostly a singer but has done some acting).

- The true title of the contest is "Sexiest Man in the World," and yet, most of the winners are from the United States. Only 6 men were born outside of the US:

Pierce Brosnan (Ireland)
Sean Connery (Scotland)
Jude Law (England)
Hugh Jackman (Australia)
Ryan Reynolds (Canada)
Chris Hemsworth (Australia)

- In 2004, Esquire Magazine started an equivalent "Sexiest Woman Alive" contest. The first winner was Angelina Jolie. Only one woman has won twice (Scarlett Johansson).

- The list of Sexiest Women is slightly more diverse than the men's list. Out of the 11 winners, there were three non-white women: Halle Berry, Rihanna and Penelope Cruz. There is also a winner from South Africa (Charlize Theron), England (Kate Beckinsale), Spain (Penelope Cruz), Ukraine (Mila Kunis), and Barbados (Rihanna).

On a fairly different note, I''m reading Tina Fey's "Bossypants" and it made me realize that there has never been a female or minority Late Night network host (Chelsea Handler is probably the closest with her show on E). Apparently, I'm not the only one who noticed. As most hosts tend to stay on for at least a decade, I wonder if we'll see a female president before we see a female Late Night host?

Many Forms of Therapy

When shit hits the fan, it's important to find out what combination of indulgences will keep you from having a perpetual frown on your face. Here are some things that work for me:

1. Bingewatching Trashy TV

When you suddenly find yourself with lots of new, free time, what are you to do but fill it with crappy TV? One of the first shows I watched over the summer (on the advice of my brilliant sister) was Bachelor in Paradise. I can barely remember who was on the show, but I do know that for at least one-two hours per week I was able to distract myself. And if a train-wreck like Elise can find love, anyone can.

[video quality sucks but it's worth watching this incredible, hilarious monologue again]

These days I'm letting TLC suck up my brain cells with shows like "Cheapskates".

And now we can all proudly shout in unison, "At least I'm not in THAT relationship...!"

2. Eating All The Food

I've tried to stick to the 80/20 rule the last few months. You know, 80% of the time you eat whatever the F you want, and 20% of the time you either don't eat or you eat an entire watermelon. It was extremely liberating to spend a few months NOT thinking about food. I ate a lot of delicious things, a lot of gross things, and even some healthy things. But alas, my jeans are getting snug so it's time to get back to normalcy. Just in time for the holiday feasting. Boo.

[source]

3. Exercise Avoidance

Every piece of breakup advice out there will tell you that if you do nothing else, get your ass to the gym. In July and August I did this -- every single day I got myself in motion and it was seriously helpful. And then suddenly, it stopped. I found myself looking at the ground as I passed by my gym to hide my face from the staff, or I'd make plans to go out for drinks instead of going to my usual Tuesday night class. As with eating, it felt pretty good to just not think about it. Sometimes it seems silly that I've spent years obsessing and complaining about how I look/how I eat/how I exercise. I kind of want to roll my eyes at the Julie of 6 months ago and tell her to take a chill pill. In any case, exercise is vital for my health, so I'm slowly and reluctantly climbing back on the horse treadmill.

4. Saying Yes to Dates (...And Then Bailing 5 Minutes Before)

I feel a little bad for the poor men who have fallen into my path these last few months. At some point I started to interact with the opposite sex and I have to say, it felt pretty good. Riiiight up until I was supposed to actually go out with them. I mean, can't we just continue sending flirty emojis and never see each other in person?!

[source]

5. Spending Hard Earned Dough

I never imagined I'd be one for retail therapy, but I suddenly have a bit of a shopping addiction. I've basically been showering myself with new clothes, makeup, jewelry, and stuff for my apartment. Let's all be thankful that I don't care about designer purses because by now I'd be living on the streets with nothing but a blanket made of Chanel bags to keep me warm. Some recent purchases:

Black booties.

Brown booties.

The prettiest earrings I ever did see.

Another favorite ring.

These delicate rings are *almost* too trendy for me.

So that's what's working its magic for me!

Any readers, what healthy/unhealthy things do you do to lift your spirits?

Friendsgiving 2014

This Thanksgiving, I'm especially thankful for all of the friends who have put up with my crazy recently. To celebrate them, I hosted a Friendsgiving at my apartment last week. It was filled with great people, great food, great wine and lots of laughter. It was a wonderful night to remember :)

One of my favorite parts of the evening was when we played a little "thankful" game: someone picked a random letter, then we all went around and said something we were thankful for that started with that letter (it was N). In honor of that, here is what I'm thankful for this year, from A to Z!

A - Andy, for being my duet partner in crime.
B - Boys, for reminding me that I can be pretty awesome ;)
C - Cara, for making me an honorable member of the Schoening family.
D - Dad, for knowing just what to say when I needed to hear it.
E - Erica and Emma, for being such awesome roommates.
F - French fries, for being perpetually delicious.
G - GLF, for being a pretty sweet place to work.
H - Hayley, for being my venting/exploring/restaurant-ing/traveling buddy!
I - Ice cream (especially chipwiches), for being ice cream.
J - Jewelry, for being so pretty and sparkley :)
K - Kathy, for taking on bugs/scary animals/dirt etc. to make me happy in August.
L - Liz & Laura, for being the best sisters a girl could ask for.
M - Mom, for always doing what moms do best.
N - Napa, for being so amazing and beautiful and sunny.
O - Once Upon a Time, for being the best magical show on television (with a super dreamy cast).
P - Pickles, for being the perfect snack.
Q - Quotes, for helping me get through the every day.
R - Rose, for being my oldest and greatest friend, even 6,000 miles away.
S - Sara, for being my soulmate/Buddha life partner/California girl.
T - TV, in general, for being the ultimate distraction.
U - Umbrellas, for protecting me from the rain? (Clearly starting to get desperate at the end of the alphabet).
V - Vacation days, for being so plentiful and amazing when you work out.
W - Walkinsauce.tumblr.com, for being the funniest blog and making me somewhat excited to be single again.
X - Xxtra pickles on sandwiches (that's how the online ordering websites write it!) -- did I already say pickles?
Y - Yellow, for being the prettiest color for flowers.
Z - Zzzs, because I've been sleeping pretty freakin' well!!

And now, lots of pictures of delicious food:

My candied yams ready for the oven!

The cutest little penguins.

Spinach dip.

Cutting the turkey! Don't know why it looks so small...

Brussels sprouts and bacon.

Festive salad.

Marshmallow casserole...I mean candied yams.

Beet salad and some carved turkey.

Most of the spread!

Stuffing and broccoli cheddar casserole.

Buffet style (sadly my apartment is too small for a big table).

My plate. Shit that looks good.

Only dessert I photographed...monkey bread!

Balancing act.

Chocolate cupcake aftermath (sorry Andy).

California Dreamin' - Part 4

The last of the California updates. Le sigh.

When we woke up on Monday it seemed all of the partying finally caught up with us. It was a struggle to get out of bed, but we had wine touring to do! We started the day with breakfast at a little off road diner. I ate another huge omelette and was ready to go.

Our first stop was Silver Oak Winery. It was absolutely gorgeous. We shared a tasting flight and sat outside in the sun admiring the scenery. I have nothing inspiring to say about the wine except that it tasted good :) Here are some photos:

Next stop was V. Sattui Winery, another gorgeous place.

Not gonna lie, we were there for the food! They had an amazing tap room and deli area.

Check out our picnic spread:

Our next stop was Alpha Omega Winery, which came recommended from a few friends. The winery had a more modern feel, and I think had the best tasting wine we tried. Another flight enjoyed in the sun with a beautiful view:

I was surprised how much time we spent at each winery. By the time we finished at Alpha Omega it was after 5 pm and almost every winery was closed for the day. We took the ride back to our house and made one more stop for a photo:

At the house we spent a few minutes snuggling with Sophie and then got ready for dinner. GAH! She is just too frickin' cute.

I was hellbent on eating at a Thomas Keller restaurant in Napa but had a feeling the extremely expensive tasting menu at the French Laundry wouldn't fly with Sara. One day I shall return with my rich foodie husband.

Instead, I made us a reservation at Bouchon, which is, "where Thomas Keller likes to eat after a long night at TFL." Works for me! Bouchon was super cute -- I really felt like I was walking into a true French cafe.

We started with some warm pistachios and fresh bread straight from the Bouchon Bakery next door.

We also ordered AMAZING deviled eggs and Sara ordered the french onion soup. You know I snuck a few spoonfuls of that cheesey goodness.

For our entrees, Sara ordered the moules-frites, and I ordered a riccota gnudi special that came topped with bacon and fried brussels sprouts. It was so rich and delicious -- I loved every single bite.

Such a great way to end the trip to Napa!

When we got back to the house we attempted to finish the growlers we bought from Russian River but fell asleep. Looks like we'd be drinking them in the morning at the airport! We had a surprisingly easy ride back to San Francisco and I had an eventful time in the airport -- I somehow lost my license and was neurotically searching for it for about 20 minutes until I stumbled upon a guy yelling, "Julie!". My flight back to Boston was fine -- I managed to hop on an earlier flight but had to sit in the middle seat. Yuck.

That's all for the California updates! Now, when can I go back??

PS, I knocked off THREE things from my Life List on this trip!!!