A New Beginning

In the early days of this breakup many people told me that I had to feel the range of emotions that surface when someone you love unexpectedly leaves you. You can't hide from grief; the only way through it is through it, and there are no shortcuts. But that doesn't mean I didn't try.

For the first couple of months I used this blog to pretend I was fine. It was a way to force myself to be outwardly positive when inside it felt like I was drowning. But sometimes visiting this blog at all was just too painful. Having all of the very detailed memories from the last few years at my fingertips was often just too much to handle, so I decided to put it on hold for a while. It's been four months now, and while the pain is still ever present, I am grateful that it's whittled itself down to a dull ache that only rears its nasty head here and there.

But a few weeks ago the pain returned, full force and with a vengeance. We live in a world of over sharing, and let's be honest, the internet sucks during a breakup. You do what you can, but if you dig hard enough you'll eventually uncover whatever it is you're looking for (or trying to avoid). Finding out that your ex has moved on is a very bitter pill to swallow. My opinion on this -- although I'm sure it can be guessed -- simply does not matter.

What does matter is the realization that there is no point in wasting any more time, energy, or emotions on this relationship. There were many things I wanted to do/say upon this discovery, but after playing out the various scenarios in my mind, the only one that ends well for me is the one where I focus on my own life, not his. Tom is his own person, not an extension of me. Whatever he does has nothing to do with me, and whatever he gets or doesn’t get out of life impacts me only as much as I choose to let it.

Once the more horrible and painful emotions subsided I was pleasantly surprised to feel something like relief rise to the surface. I almost felt like I could finally give myself permission to say, and more importantly, believe, "There, it's done. And now it's time to get on with your life."

So now, it's time to take a deep breath and get back on the proverbial horse that is life. For the first time in months I am feeling happiness and smiling genuinely again. And sometimes, I'm even bursting with excitement at all of the possibilities for my future. I'm eager to discover who I am now and start to embrace my new single lady self. It feels extremely refreshing to -- probably for the first time in my life -- spend my time and energy exactly how I want to, without anyone's influence or opinion.

So, I leave now with a reminder from my diary of 2007 (19-year-old Julie was a wise one):