OkStupid

Any girl woman* who has put herself on an online dating site has likely experienced the flood of...entertaining...messages from all sorts of men. And luckily for you, I'm going to share some of the best of the worst right here! I've found that most messages fall into at least one of the following categories:

1. The Generic (AKA Clearly Didn't Read My Profile)

"Hiiii lol"

This is probably the most common message I get. They range from "hey", "hi" "how are you," etc. to "want to chat?" and even "can I send you a message?" Unless you're Ewan McGregor I am never going to respond to these. And is the "lol" really necessary here? I've noticed that "lol" is like a nervous tic to guys when it comes to messaging/texting. What's that about?

"So you know at a bar or in a movie when a normal guy takes a shot of confidence then walks over to the smart and cute girl and tries to talk to her even though he is freaking out? I have never seen it happen but I am guessing this is sort of the equivalent. Granted there is much less pride and humility at stake, but still."

This one might seem like it took some thought, but I'm 99% sure this gets copied and pasted to numerous women at once. It might sound harsh, and this guy DID use correct spelling and grammar, but if you don't reference something from my profile, you're just not getting an answer unless you're really attractive...or have a puppy.

2. The Over Aggressive

I'll preface this one by saying I don't use the chat option because I'm a brat and don't want to be available at a moment's notice. When I first activated my profile I didn't realize I was signed onto chat and got IMed by someone random. I quickly signed off and then got this message:

"Hey, where did you go???? Send me a message so we can talk or meet up tonight: 617 xxx xxxx."

Four question marks and your phone number? Yikes. At least I have someone to prank now. PS, anyone remember Crank Yankers?!

3. The Demanding

"tell me a unique aspect of your personality or life."

No hello? And I thought my profile was full of unique aspects of my personality or life! I don't know why this guy is making demands at me. The LEAST you could do is phrase your weird message as a question.

"If 10 + 2 is not 12
and 10 + 20 is not 40
how can 10 + 20 + 40 be 11?"

Again no hello here. Is this a test? Does my profile portray me as the type who'd enjoy a logic puzzle as a pickup line (the answer is yes). Unfortunately I could not figure this out and I'm too embarrassed to let the guy know. Bummer. If anyone knows the answer, please leave it in the comments!!

4. The Ego Boosting

"Bonjour
I think that you have beautiful eyes and a pretty smile as well.
Ciao"

Why thank you! And apparently you are trilingual! How is one supposed to respond to these messages?

"Ok, so you happen to be pretty damn attractive (and NO I don't start all my messages that way)."

If you have to say it, it probably isn't true. I purposely made many of my photos at a time when I'm not looking my best (like after a race, hiking etc.) in order to avoid these fools. Nice try, Julie.

5. The Insulting

"you seem ok but fuck the yankees!"

I read this message and was staring at my laptop with a serious Boxer head tilt.

Did I mention the Yankees in my profile? Ohhh, just that I'm from New York...great. And thanks for writing to tell me that I "seem okay". You seem like an ass hole!

6. The Ridiculous

"Hey! I was thinking of robbing a bank, fleeing to the ocean, and faking my own death. Scubba tanks in the trunk. Are you in? 

p.s. you should probably bring sandwiches or something, but NO egg salad because it smells like farts"

Is this real life? I don't even know how to comment on this one. At least this guy gets points for being unique??

7. The Dangerous

"Hi driving home now. U feel like chatting tonight on here? I'll be around so ya"

First of all, I don't know you. Second, you're simultaneously driving and sending me messages?? Haven't you seen this Volkswagon ad?? Third, when you say, "so ya" I imagine your voice sounding like Sara (please watch this video...Gary makes me want to cry).

8. The Creepy

One morning I woke up to these two messages from the middle of the night:

First one: "yea it was sketchy"

Second one: "He was wicked cool and then him near the river all white and shit and it is a traumatizing thing to see"

WHAT THE F*CK IS THIS?? I showed this to my friend and we decided I had to answer. Who knows, I could be the key to a murder case (too many Serial podcasts for me). So I replied with, "Is someone dead??" No answer...

9. The Promising

And then, every once in a while, there's someone who actually sounds intriguing, spells everything correctly, references my profile, and doesn't say anything too creepy or weird! Those I will keep to myself. For now!

*While at home I was reprimanded by one of my friends for calling myself a "girl". I am apparently a WOMAN and should refer to myself as so. Ugh.