I'm sitting here on a random Wednesday thinking about this blog. I started reading a few old posts, and felt nostalgic for the days when this place was a beautiful outlet. I'm not sure why I stopped writing. These days I feel like I have nothing to say, nothing worth writing about. I don't know if it's the COVID haze that is making me feel so apathetic, or just the perspective that comes with getting older. I started this blog when I was just 22. A lot in my life has changed, most notably for this blog: a new outlook on food, fitness, and health. Perhaps I will just start typing and see where it takes me...
About 3-4 years ago I started seeing a registered dietician (RD) at Boston Medical Center. I had been down that path before, always with the goal of losing weight and keeping it off. As part of this program I was required to meet with both an RD and a doctor every few weeks who would take my vitals and suggest a course of action. On the first day of meeting with the doctor, without asking any questions about myself, history, or lifestyle, he suggested that I had two options: I get weight loss surgery or I immediately go an extremely strict fast for 3 months. He also recommended I start taking phentermine to suppress my appetite. Shocked, I said I'd think about it and let him know next time. I walked into the RD's office after my visit with the doctor with tears in my eyes. I explained to her how tired and frustrated I was of this never-ending cycle of yo-yo dieting, and that I was afraid of what the doctor recommended for me. She immediately told me to forget what the doctor said and that she was switching me to someone new. I felt relieved and grateful for her intervention.
Over the next nine months, I worked with the RD to adopt an intuitive eating mindset and learn about the Health at Every Size movement. It took a lot of patience (from her), some trial and error, and a drastic shift of mindset on my part. We read the book together, and confronted my 20 years of disordered eating together. I will never forget the day when I made a list of my "off limits" food and she told me I had to go to the store and buy them all. At the top of the list were Ruffles chips and cheese. That first day, I ate the chips and cheese in one sitting as soon as I got home. I sent her an e-mail, outraged, saying I told her I would eat it all in one sitting. She responded with, "okay, now go back to the store and buy more." She also told me to jot down how I felt after I ate them. I wrote: "guilty and stomach hurts." The second time around I ate the chips and cheese quickly, but over the course of 2-3 days. When they were gone, she told me to buy more. I kept doing this until eventually the chips and cheese remained in my house, uneaten for weeks. We did this over and over again with various foods until I reconditioned my body/mind into being around them. Foods that I spent my whole life fearing suddenly became meaningless. Chips are no big deal when you give yourself permission to eat them any time you want.
I have been practicing intuitive eating and doing my best to live into the principles for the last three years. It's still a challenge to this day, and super easy to slip back into a diet mentality, especially when around/talking with others who have a dieting mindset. But this has all been honestly lifechanging for me. I no longer hate my body, and I accept that my body will change over time. I aim for body neutrality vs. body positivity. I trust myself around food of all kinds, I no longer see certain food as "good" or "bad". I understand that clothes are made to fit my body, not the other way around. Exercise is no longer something I have to do to make up for what I ate that day or week -- instead, when I'm exercising I focus on how it makes my body and spirit feel, with the ultimate goal of joyful movement. But like I said, it's not always easy and takes consistent practice to undue decades of self hate and messages instilled by diet culture.
Speaking of joyful exercise, we recently bought a Peloton! I cancelled my gym membership at the start of the pandemic and have spent most of my days walking, doing the Fitness Marshall dance classes, or the Body Project workouts on YouTube. That being said, I was feeling ready for something new, but also not ready to re-enter the gym yet. After a lot of research and discussion with owners, I decided on the Peloton. I have been a consistent fan of spinning for about 15 years so figured it would be a long term investment. We've had the bike for about 1.5 months and I've completed 42 workouts (a mixture of cycling, stretching, strength, meditation, and yoga)! I have had so much fun exploring the different classes and trying new instructors. I also love the gamification in the technology. I also love that for the most part, the instructors don't use diet language to motivate you. It's been a great experience so far and I can't wait to keep trying out new classes.
So what else is new? About six months ago Jacob and I bought a house! It was a wild situation that worked out really well for us during this crazy housing market. I love our house and we have already made so many memories here. We are learning day by day what it means to be homeowners. Probably not surprising, but I enjoy yard work much more than work inside the house. We are still slowly decorating and buying the furniture we need, but we're getting there. We also have our wedding coming up in August! Planning has been very smooth -- I knew one day all these nonprofit event skills would come in handy. I feel very nervous about COVID but just hope in 8 month we are in a better situation and can have a full celebration. Either way, I can't wait to marry Jacob!
Work is still going well. I am coming up on my 6 year anniversary next May. So crazy! I am also still matched with my mentee. It has been tough to maintain our relationship through the pandemic. We weren't able to see each other for so long, and now she is 17 and not so interested in seeing me. As long as she knows I am there for her is all that matters, so I'll be content with our weekly texts.
I can't believe 2021 is almost over. Where did this year go? In a few days we will be heading to New York for Christmas. It feels like we were just there for Thanksgiving, but I will always welcome more time with my family.
I think this is all I have in me for tonight. Who knows, maybe a more consistent return to the blog is in my future? Or just a sporadic post here and there. No promises...
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