Hindsight

This morning I got up and went for a run. It was very hot and the 3 miles were really tough. This is probably TMI for this sort of public space but it's that time of the month and the lower half of my body literally felt like it weighed 500 lbs. Each step felt like I was dragging my leg forward. Not fun at all. Still, with a couple of walking breaks I pushed through.

I'm once again feeling semi- motivated to get back on the healthy train. The last month or two has been filled with so many fun things, but sadly fun often = heavy drinking and eating. My goals on where I want to be weight wise are so different than where they used to be. If I could just get back to the place where I spent the majority of college I would be ecstatic. It's funny to think that I spent all of college wishing I could lose X pounds or look like so and so. Hindsight really is 20/20.

Take these pictures for instance:

In every single one of these pictures, I remember seeing them and thinking "I look so huge next to my friends." Looking at them now, I really don't look much different from anyone else. To be blunt about it, my image of myself was really fucked up. Luckily my image/self esteem issues never came out in severely damaging ways (like eating disorders, for instance) but it really took a toll on my mental health and general well being. I spent a few years with a therapist discussing a lot of these issues and made significant progress on the way I look at myself and others. Today I would be THRILLED to look how I did in those pictures. But the question remains, even if I did look that way, would I still be unhappy with how I looked?

The above photos were taken 6 months-a year before I ran the New Bedford half marathon. For the few months in training, I was also losing weight pretty quickly (and fairly easily because I was exercising so much). I ended up at a weight I hadn't seen for a number of years, and yet I STILL wasn't happy with where my body was at. I was still comparing myself to my friends and other girls when I went out. I was still embarrassed to wear a bikini when I went to Florida for spring break. The way I feel when I look at photos from that time is easy to imagine: mostly shock that I was still disappointed with how I looked and upset that I worked so hard only to put the weight back on, 

Sometimes I feel like I'll never get back to either of these places. No matter how diligently I watch what I eat or how many hours I spend working out, I just won't get there. Sometimes I feel like I don't even care. I'm pretty happy as I am today. Yes, I don't look how I did in those pictures, but I'm also really enjoying life and am having no problem dating or making new friends. I feel so much more confident about my self worth than I ever did in college, even at my very lowest weight.

I really don't know where this is going. My struggle with losing/maintaining my weight continues, as I'm guessing it will for the rest of my life. When it comes down to it, what I really want is:

- To increase my activity and fitness level

- To fit into all of the clothes I have and feel better when I go shopping for new clothes

- To reduce some of the pain I'm having in my neck/back

- To fill my body with food that will give me energy and keep me healthy in the long run

- To find a way to balance this all with dating and an active social life

Obviously to come close to looking how I did in any of those photos would be an added bonus, but I know it would take a lot of work to get there, and even more work to STAY there. Let's be honest, I've never been successful at maintenance. Considering I haven't even mentioned this on the blog in a few months, I think it's a step in the right direction. We'll see where I go from here...

Currently...

Reading:

The Baker's Daughter: In 1945, Elsie Schmidt was a naïve teenager, but in the waning days of the Nazi empire, with food scarce and fears of sedition mounting, even the private yearnings of teenage girls were subject to suspicion and suppression. Elsie’s courtship by Josef Hub, a rising star in the Army of the Third Reich, has insulated her and her family from the terror and desperation overtaking her country. So when an escaped Jewish boy arrives on Elsie’s doorstep in the dead of night on Christmas Eve, Elsie understands that opening the door puts all she loves in danger.

Modern Romance: A hilarious, thoughtful, and in-depth exploration of the pleasures and perils of modern romance from Aziz Ansari (this was so good!)

Yellow Crocus: Lisbeth Wainwright’s compelling tale of coming-of-age in antebellum Virginia. Born to white plantation owners but raised by her enslaved black wet nurse, Mattie, Lisbeth’s childhood unfolds on the line between two very different worlds.

The Long and Farawary Gone: In the summer of 1986, two tragedies rocked Oklahoma City. Six movie-theater employees were killed in an armed robbery, while one inexplicably survived. Then, a teenage girl vanished from the annual State Fair. Neither crime was ever solved. This fiercely compassionate crime story explores the mysteries of memory and the impact of violence on survivors—and the lengths they will go to find the painful truth of the events that scarred their lives. (just started this one).

Eating:

Lots of fresh veggies from the farmer's market. Check out these beautiful carrots!!

Meatloaf for the first time ever!

Back to school lunches :-)

My favorite ever sushi roll from Symphony Sushi!!

Seafood fra diavolo from Strega

Oyster Sundays

Lobster roll at B&G Oysters

Meatball Mondays

Cheesiest meatballs ever

Breakfast at home

Watching:

High Fidelity: Finally saw this movie! Loved it.

The Way: This movie was great. It made me seriously consider quitting my job to go walk El camino de Santiago.

The Wire - Just started this after finishing The Office. A few episodes in and I'm hooked.

Doing:

Another Harpoon X Night! This time the pilot beer was a mango pale ale. It was okay.

Free X Ambassadors concert outside my work!

Brew at the Zoo! I won free tickets for this beer festival at the Franklin Park Zoo through Yelp and had such a blast. It was a beautiful day and then suddenly out of nowhere started down pouring and lightening and thundering. We luckily were right near the Two Roads tent and got to just hang out with the brewers until the rain passed.

Jurassic Park doors

Packed under the tent

Hard to tell here but we were soaking wet from the rain

Yoga! I've been sticking to yoga and took a 90 minute hot yoga class last Saturday. I was sweating like an animal but it was sooo great. Yoga is the best.

Dating. I've actually really been enjoying dating lately and have gone out on a couple of fun dates. It's nice not to be taking things so seriously and to just enjoy meeting new people in the city.

That's all for now. Happy hump day!

More Snapshots

I really wish I had something to post with more substance, but alas, here are some more photos from the life.

Quick dinner at Q'doba for the first time in FOREVER. Kids meals are clutch.

Only photo I took from a date at the MFA

I might get new hipster glasses. What do we think of these?!!?! I like them but I feel like they really accentuate those lines under my eyes...

Warm welcome near Yankee stadium

First time at the new stadium!

Dad and the girls

Seeing the Jones Beach pencil (aka Tower) brings up sooo many Long Island beach memories.

LI delis make the best sandwiches.

Mom and dad at a crazy packed Tobay beach

Still pretty nice though...

And I was pretty happy to be there...!

Met up with a bunch of old friends in NY, including these ladies.

And ate some necessary NY foods. Pizza..

And bagels.

And then I moved on to Philly for work. This cake had a little cannoli on top of it!

And this ice cream came in a Chinese takeout box!

Cute Philly streets

Went for my first run to the Rocky steps. They were not nearly as big as expected!

But had a real nice view.

Final meal/snack in Philly

I hate these plane shots but this was too pretty!