I forgot to mention that my 24th birthday was last Thursday. It was incredible and I'm SO lucky to have people who care about me and made my birthday so special. I promise full posts filled with food porn soon, I just need to get my bearings.
My frustration with myself is at a high right now. I've been eating like shit and haven't worked out for a week and a half now. I've been fairly nonchalant (as opposed to my feelings in the past) toward this weight gain and attempted loss. And it's starting to hit me. Despite the 50 degree temperatures I know summer is coming and it's going to be another that I feel uncomfortable in a bathing suit. It's frustrating. That's the best word I can come up with. It's frustrating that I've been THINKING about this now for 15 years. Others who have battled with their weight all their lives know what I mean when I say it's all-consuming. It's constant stress and guilt about what I'm eating and why I'm eating it, and when I'm working out and why I'm not working out. It's constant comparisons and internal wars over what is fair and what is unfair. It's constant fear over how I will possibly live with this forever, over how I feel like I'm wasting my twenties, over how I will ever find a way to live a healthy life with a family when I can't even do it now.
I don't know why this is such a struggle. I don't know what to do except try and make tomorrow better. So here's my accountability. I just set my alarm to wake up and go for a run in the morning, rain or shine. After work I'm going straight to the grocery store. So here goes nothing.
No comments:
Post a Comment