That being said, the one person in particular I feel odd about told me he no longer reads. I'll choose to believe him and try to be more honest and open going forward.
I've been having a couple of rough days. Luckily I have a great friend who will answer the phone at midnight and listen to me repeat all of the things I've been saying for almost a year now. Today was feeling like a better day. I had a decent night's sleep for the first time in almost two weeks, I had a productive day at work, a fantastic homemade lunch, a great yoga class. Then I checked my email and I learned about a Pasta Takeover event happening next week at Alden & Harlow (I've been there once, wrote about it here). The event sounds amazing. It's right up my alley. I had this fabulous idea that I'd continue my low carbing and then celebrate by attending this homemade pasta feast. I called the restaurant to see if there were any spaces left and there were a few. She asked how many people were in my party and I said just me. After an awkward moment of silence she told me that "most" people were in parties of two or more, but that she could sit me with a group if I wanted. Feeling embarrassed, I told her I'd try to recruit and get back to her. I asked a couple of people knowing the chances of getting anyone to join me were slim. The dinner is $90/person. Most of the people I hang out with just don't care about the Boston food scene enough to lay out nearly $100 for a weeknight dinner. And I was right. No luck recruiting.
It's times like these that I think about Tom. When I first met him I couldn't believe how much we had in common. Finally I had someone in my life who wanted to do all the same things as me. Someone who I didn't have to convince or coerce into trying new restaurants or laying down some money to check out a new chef or special event. As noted on this blog, this was often detriment to my healthy living efforts, but still, it was wonderful to be with someone who shared so many similar interests.
We also had a few mutual friends who were interested in the food scene but after a number of attempts to maintain the friendships, I've realized it was basically one sided and have moved on. No hard feelings there and I know it's nothing I did or didn't do. Unfortunately mutual friends are just one of the many things you lose in a breakup.
So I'm not going to the dinner and I'm upset about it. Part of me feels like I should just suck it up and go alone. A bigger part of me doesn't want to be surrounded by couples enjoying a romantic night out. Despite rarely ever being alone, I've been feeling very lonely lately. I know it's been almost a year since the break up, but it feels like I'm still dealing with re-learning how to "be alone." And the fact remains, I don't want to be alone. I don't feel ready to be in a new relationship yet, but I don't feel satisfied or whole being out of one (this is a problem, I think). I've dated a few guys, but nothing feels right. I know I have to be happy with myself and my own life before I can be happy with someone else, but it's such a struggle to get there. I'm trying, every day I'm trying, but sometimes it feels hopeless.
My good friend who I mentioned above sent me this quote the morning after we talked:
"Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it's less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you've lost, or you can accept it and try to put together something that's better."
So I have to create something better. What does that mean for me? I'm not sure. Here's hoping I find out soon...
“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. Tie no weights to your ankles.”
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