Food is....

LOVE: Growing up, food was a major part of the way my family interacted. Every Sunday we'd all head to my Grandma's for an Italian Sunday dinner. I love my family, but sometimes it felt like I was being judged based on the amount of food I ate.

Only having 1 serving of pasta? You must not love it (or me).

Didn't say you loved the meatballs after your first bite? You must hate it (and me).

I notice that I do this often to Tom. Speaking of meatballs, I made some homemade meatballs in the crockpot on Sunday that I've been eating all week. I shared them with Tom, and when I didn't feel like he expressed "enough" enjoyment of the meatballs I felt offended. My mind: he hates the meatballs > he hates all my cooking > he hates me. Okay, it wasn't THAT drastic, but you get the picture.

I've also used food to "love" myself, or in a better word, to comfort myself. Through all of the tough times and major changes in my life, food has always been there for me. Nothing has been able to fill an empty void in me like a huge, greasy meal. It was there for me when I've been disappointed, or stressed, or let down, or even hungover!

A REWARD: Let's jump back in time to the late 90s - early 2000s. I was an all star gymnast, but the sport was beginning to take a toll on my body and my mind. At some point in my gymnastics career, after 4 or 5 hour practices I started to get extreme headaches (so extreme that I went in for multiple CAT scans). I remember feeling trapped by gymnastics and felt a lot of fear and guilt at the thought of quitting. The sport was a huge part of my life and my parents had invested so much time and money into it. Plus, I was good. Really good. How could I quit? I pushed through the physical and mental pain and exhaustion that would overtake me after each of these practices. And what got me through? The promise that I'd be rewarded with some good old Burger King on the ride home. The XL chicken finger value meal was my poison -- at one point I was supplementing with a [necessary?] side of mozzarella sticks. When I think back on this time I must not have been REALLY enjoying it. I used to scarf this down in the car in 5 minutes -- I was probably starving after exercising so long.

This mindset of food as a reward has stuck with me. When I reached my DietBet goal last week my IMMEDIATE instinct was to grab something unhealthy to eat. It was 8 AM, but I started planning out my lunch -- I wanted a salami sub and french fries and pizza and cheese on cheese on cheese. The craving was crazy, and I couldn't believe how obvious it was that I was equating food (unhealthy food, that is) with rewarding myself. Before scarfing down a block of cheese, I decided to take a breather and think about it. I told myself to eat a normal breakfast, give it a few hours, and then decide what I wanted to do for lunch. I had my typical breakfast of eggs and fruit, and by lunchtime the crazy feeling had subsided. I had leftover salsa chicken that I made in the crockpot and was excited to eat it with some ripe avocado. I ended up buying myself a new $8 workout top from Old Navy instead. Sounds like a more appropriate reward to me.

FUEL: These days, I'm trying to look at food in a different light. I should use food to fuel my every day movements. If I'm working out, I should eat more protein to help my muscles recover and get stronger. If I need energy, I should eat fruits and vegetables and drink lots of water. Food shouldn't weigh me down; it should supplement my life. It should carry me through tough times (like hill workouts on the treadmill, ugh) and be there when I need a pick-me-up (which I swear, a clementine or a bowl of watermelon can do a WAY better job of than french fries or candy).

...BUT STILL EXCITING: I can't help it. I'm a foodie at heart, and interesting food still excites me. This is not a part of my life that I'm willing to give up, but I'm learning how to make better manage these experiences. Do I really need to go to the bar down the street from my apartment every week and order the same burger? No. Do I really need to go to a new-to-me South End eatery to try charcuterie, house made pasta and hamachi crudo? YES! Update coming soon.

The point is, I needed to re-balance my life. I needed to CHOOSE to use food as fuel in my daily life, and to keep those special restaurant trials special. I needed to stop turning to food for love and comfort.

I'm still a work in progress, but I'm giving it my best each and every day. I think that's all I can ask of myself.