I Couldn't Say It Better

I read a post this morning from Honey, I Shrunk the Gretchen that so perfectly summed up my emotions and fears. I just had to share it here.

When it comes to weight loss, I don't have anyone close to me (besides my Mom, kind of) who can truly relate. This is why I turned to blogs oh so many years ago. I don't think my friends can relate to what it's like to work so hard to lose a major amount of weight (I'm talking 40-50+ pounds), just to turn around and put it back on in half as much time as it took to lose. Sometimes when I hear about their struggles with a 5 pound holiday weight gain I have to stop myself from rolling my eyes. Everyone has their own body issues and it's unfair for me to diminish the real struggles of my friends, even when they seem so small in comparison.

At the ripe age of 25 I've already lost and gained three times. Finding other people who existed (somewhere in the blogosphere...) who actually faced the same struggles and fears I do on a daily basis was so helpful in my weight loss journey last time, and it's proving to be just as helpful this time around.

Like Gretchen, I think I'm more scared of what happens once the weight comes off than the fear of actually achieving my weight loss goals. Back in March 2011, around the time of my half marathon I had hit a low in my weight that I hadn't seen since early high school. And yet, I still wasn't satisfied with how I looked or the number I saw on the scale. Once I completed the half, I watched (or rather, closed my eyes and ignored) as the healthy habits I had spent years building slowly disappeared. I spent the next few months before graduation drinking way too much beer and eating way too many french fries and slices of pizza. I figured once I graduated things would go back to normal, and they did somewhat, but my weight crept up. By October of 2013 I had regained all of the weight I lost, plus a decent amount extra.

I know how to lose weight. One might even say I'm an expert at this point after three successful endeavors. But I suck at maintaining. I suck at living a normal, healthy lifestyle. I suck at being content with my body and the number on the scale.

When I was in South Africa, it was the only time in my life I can remember not being consumed by food and my weight. In my normal life I obsess -- whether it's obsessing over losing weight or gaining weight, or thinking about my next meal. When I was in Cape Town I didn't obsess. For the first time in my life I was with a group of people who just didn't seem to care too much (at least on the surface) about their body image or what they were eating. We never once discussed how many calories were in what we were eating or what celebrity we wanted our bodies to look like. We didn't climb up mountains every day to burn calories or get a good workout, we just did it just to get to class. We didn't go canoeing in the Okavango Delta because we wanted to tone our arms, we did it because it was a freaking amazing once-in-a-lifetime experience! We didn't hike to the top of Lion's Head to sweat off the partying from the night before, we did it for the incredible view at the top.

[Gah I was so tan and blonde!]

Still the most amazing view I've ever seen -- sun setting on one side of the mountain, moon rising on the other.

I had a lot of money to spend in South Africa. I had a decent amount saved for the trip and the currency exchange made me feel like Warren Buffet. I spent my money on the freshest seafood I could find and the ripest, juiciest, exotic fruit that filled the markets. I ate when I was hungry and otherwise, I didn't think about it. Instead I was thinking about what museum I'd go to that day, or whether I wanted to spend 2 or 3 days exploring Kruger National Park, or if I wanted to buy the cheaper Malaria pills that would give me hallucinations (for the record, NO). I didn't once step on a scale in the 6 months I was there, and I came back from South Africa a few pounds lighter than when I left.

It's been a long time since I was in Cape Town (4 years!!). How do I get back to that mindset? How do I eventually feel content with my body? I worry about this all the time and it's a perpetual topic of conversation with my nutritionist. She's told me I need to recognize the worry and then dismiss it; I should only be focusing on the present. I don't know if I buy into that. I'm a planner at heart and almost always feel like a game plan is necessary. I don't know how to end this post because there is no end. I don't have it figured out yet.

So, to be continued...